Secret Weaponry Attacks Unfolding All Around Us, Here is What We Know So Far

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He’s terrified of secret Soviet weaponry. Antony “don’t call it Saigon” Blinken is frightened about having to make a scheduled trip to Colombia this week. It was a long time before America’s political leaders publicly acknowledged that the mysterious “death rays” our officials in Cuba started complaining about, in 2016, were real and credible reports. Now that they’re unfolding all around us, even “near the White House,” officials are frozen with fright.

Weaponry seems real

Palace Minster of State Antony Blinken is exploring the options of a Zoom conference instead of making a personal appearance in Columbia. According to the insider who leaked to the Wall Street Journal, some spooky weaponry has him reconsidering the trip.

Several “U.S. officials at the Embassy in Colombia have reportedly been hit with Havana Syndrome.” What he didn’t say is that Blinken is leaving claw marks on the door frames as frantic white house interns are dragging him out of the White House screaming, “you can’t make me go!”

The current theory is that the “mysterious neurological illness” afflicting mostly embassy personnel overseas “is the result of attack by a foreign adversary using pulsed microwave energy.” Calling it weaponry is a big shift from the previous explanation, “crickets.”

Only days before Blinky is expected to visit, officials admit “there were at least two known cases, both American citizens,” reported in Columbia. “Several more are thought to have been affected.”

They’re going as far as calling the use of such weaponry a violation of the Geneva convention because whoever is operating the phantom equipment is indiscriminately targeting children. The leaker told WSJ “at least one family was flown out of the country for treatment and concerns have grown ‘more serious’ in recent days.”

They’re really bugged because there “was definitely a family including a minor hit. Adults sign up for what they sign up for and the risks that come with it. Targeting or even incidentally hitting kids should be a hard red line.”

Speaking of ‘Red’

Speaking of “Red,” as in “Red Communists,” officials from both the Trump and Biden administrations are convinced that Russia, particularly their GRU, are “responsible for the attacks.” Even if the weaponry does seem to defy all the laws of physics.

After all, didn’t all the experts once say it was physically impossible for the bumblebee to fly? It forced them to figure out how they did it. The answer turned out to be “figure-eight” wing motion. There are some who say the reason Vladimir Putin is so interested in the Arctic is because they found “The Thing.” Plundered UFO technology might be behind the super-secret death spy rays.

At least they finally admitted that it wasn’t a strange species of cricket causing the “intense headaches that erupt instantly, loss of balance, and numerous hearing issues.” It must be advanced weaponry.

Blinky is panic stricken over his upcoming adventure because in “some cases, the neurological damage lasted years or was permanent and forced those who were attacked to retire.” He lays awake at night wondering how the Russians will retaliate for his major screw-up in Afghanistan. He knows he’s all over the wall of some GRU officer in the planning department.

He’s certain to be next because a “member of CIA Director Bill Burns’ team” was attacked in India and another case of Havana Syndrome “back in August in Hanoi, Vietnam, as Vice President Kamala Harris waited on the runway,” cowering in Air Force Two.

“The GRU’s [a secret Russian military unit] inclusion as a suspect in the investigation, which has not been previously reported, comes as Biden administration officials are working to reassure outraged lawmakers that they are committed to getting to the bottom of the issue and holding those responsible to account.” Weaponry the Russians stole from the space aliens? Who knows? One thing is certain, Joe Biden’s handlers haven’t any more of a clue than Joe would have on his own.

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