News on Putin Goes Viral


Nobody’s real sure whether we should be relieved or scared over the latest rumors swirling around Moscow. Vladimir Putin is allegedly “dying or gravely ill.” If he gave the order to nuke Ukraine, or anywhere else, he would “be ignored by his top commanders.” At least, that’s what a “senior investigative journalist” reports.

Putin button unplugged

Vlad Putin may be carrying his big red nuclear button around like a good luck charm but that doesn’t mean it will work if he presses it.

The Russian leader’s buddies agree with “many leading military and security officials” that Putin’s health is more of an issue than he lets on. According to Russian affairs expert Christo Grozev, Vlad could be “dying or gravely ill.

Vlad may have nothing to lose but his generals aren’t dying to start Armageddon. His inner circle, insiders suggest, “would not risk being hauled before a modern equivalent of the Nuremberg trials for unleashing Armageddon, nor would they obey a Putin order to kill opposition foes.

Vlad put his troops on nuclear high alert when he started his invasion.

With Putin getting nervous about the way things are going in Ukraine, he’s “made thinly veiled threats hinting at a willingness to deploy Russia’s tactical nuclear weapons.

The Kremlin policy is that he can do that “to force an adversary to retreat.” Everyone is afraid he might just do it.

Nuclear saber-rattling

Russians like to rattle their sabers. It’s almost a national pastime. When they do it over nukes, their neighbors get nervous. Only last week, their official state media has been airing threats nearly every day.

The most noteworthy was when the Putin version of Hannity threatened to wash the United Kingdom off the map with a nuclear powered tidal wave. Just one Poseidon nuclear torpedo is all it would take.

In Ukraine, they’re tired of hearing about it. The Russian “nuclear blackmail” has to end. It doesn’t help when images are released showing Putin hanging on to the edge of his death for dear life because he can’t stop shaking.

Another thing the pundits are pointing out is “his jacket being too high and tight around his neck,” and a “stumbling, limping gait.” That makes everyone wonder “is he sick, or do we just so much want him to be sick?

Russia’s secret service, the FSB sent a letter around to all the bureau chiefs, noting, “if you hear about him having a very serious illness, we insist you do not pay attention.” Russian’s are familiar with the Orwellian double speak. “So they all thought this means the exact opposite.” That same reason makes it unlikely that someone besides Putin will try to push the button.

They all understand “if he is gone in three or six months, who will protect them from a trial in Nuremberg?” One of Vlad’s inner circle of friends allegedly observed, “it’s better he dies from his serious illness than carries on ‘destroying‘ Ukraine, Russia, and Moscow’s super-rich business elite.” The friend allegedly named the illness.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here