With Nothing Better to Do, Joe Whacks Top Terrorist

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Joe

Joe Biden has been bumbling around the palace with an ice cream cone in his hand, looking lost, for far too long. His handlers decided to make the public think he’s been working. They figured a good way to get some positive publicity ahead of the midterms would be “extracting” al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, so they went ahead and whacked him and made sure His Wisdom gets all the credit for it.

Joe made sure first

Joe Biden’s puppeteers didn’t want to send the wrong message that he’s recklessly taking pot shots at high ranking terrorists without doing anything to minimize collateral damage.

Biden, staffers say, “wanted to intimately understand where the al Qaeda leader was hiding.” Once they had his location nailed down hard, they sent in the drone.

Well trained military technicians flawlessly executed the extraction maneuver, blasting Zawahiri right off his balcony in downtown Kabul. They claim it took “months of highly secret planning” by “a tight circle of his senior advisers.” Joe was in on it too, they promise.

They even had a snappy “small-scale model of Zawahiri’s safe house, constructed by intelligence officials and placed inside the White House Situation Room for Biden to examine as he debated his options.” He loved playing with the little action figures and making whooshing noises when he pretended to fly the missile in to strike.

The propaganda ministry was convinced that this was just the thing they needed to boost his poll numbers out of the basement. They promoted it in house as a great “opportunity to take out the world’s most wanted terrorist.

He got the numero uno designation by being “one of the masterminds of the September, 11, 2001, attacks.” Joe just didn’t want the PR nightmare on his hands of accidentally killing a whole bunch of innocent civilians. Something like what happened nearly a year ago in Kabul during Blinky Blinken’s Saigon-like withdrawal from Afghanistan.

Joe

Not even his family

You have to give credit to Joe for his humanitarian efforts. He treated the family of the world’s top terrorist with the same love and protection he gives his non-business-affiliated son Hunter. On Monday, August 1, when they were sure they finished the job, Biden admitted it on TV.

Press crews stressed over and over that “Biden repeatedly tasked his officials with ensuring civilians – including members of Zawahiri’s family – weren’t killed.” They promise that none were.

Joe was actually in quarantine when the big moment came so he had to watch on a monitor. After it was done, he “emerged to proclaim success” from a palace balcony. It was the first victory the Governor of North Central America could claim since usurping office. Everyone is still teasing him about the miserable way he handled the Afghanistan pull out.

People around the world no longer need to fear the vicious and determined killer. The United States continues to demonstrate our resolve and our capacity to defend the American people against those who seek to do us harm.

Almost as soon as the announcement Joe gave was over, it was upstaged by confirmation that Nancy Pelosi really is on her way to Taiwan. She’s there now and the island nation is bracing for invasion as the Chinese tanks have been lining up on the beach since she arrived. This could be the big one.

The palace statement officially described how before zipping in a drone to blast Zawahiri, they started keeping close tabs on “his wife, daughter and her children through multiple streams of intelligence.” At just the right moment, “two Hellfire missiles were fired into the balcony of the safe house in Kabul at 6:18 a.m. local time.

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